Sharing this very personal ectopic pregnancy journey so that other women experiencing a similar loss feel a little less alone in their quiet heartbreak.
“I am not a hypochondriac. I don’t rely on a search engine to tell me the worse-case scenarios for an odd headache or heartburn. However, when the anaesthesia wore off, and the idea of the pregnancy loss hit me; I keyed in the words… ‘ectopic pregnancy’ and was so shocked to realise how little we women knew about our own bodies.”
Conditioned to Endure
“Before I knew any better, I thought pain tolerance was a badge of honour. I was often told that period cramps were the norm and that every woman just had to deal with it. So, I did. I would roll in bed, pop a painkiller, or throw up for an entire day. No doctor could provide me with a long-term solution.”
“I was a newlywed (two months in), and my period was late. Both my mother and mum-in-law kept nudging me to take a pregnancy test. I thought it was just an irregular cycle, an odd month, and never got around to it. Besides, my husband and I always used protection.”
“I boarded a flight, not knowing that things were about to take a turn for the worse. This is how it all unfolded on that fateful day.”
Up in the Air
12:00 p.m.
“On the day I was flying back to Mumbai to start my new life, I started experiencing abdominal pain akin to what I was used to on a monthly basis. I thought Aunt Flo finally decided to show up because she always has FOMO. I slapped on a sanitary napkin and boarded the flight.”
“The minute we reached altitude, my discomfort grew. Not even a nice-looking foreigner trying to make conversation could distract me from this nagging feeling that something was terribly wrong; that, and a slightly distended stomach.”
Pain That Felt Familiar, But Wasn’t
6:30 p.m.
“I got home. I wasn’t bleeding yet, but my pain was at a 90/10.
I tried reaching my husband (a cinematographer by profession) first, but he was at a shoot. Then, I tried to get in touch with a close friend who lived nearby, with no luck. So, I did what I knew best when in pain: Roll in my bed and try to sleep after popping pain medicine.”
“Finally, my husband called and said that we should go for dinner. I said we needed to go to the hospital instead.”
Misplaced Congratulations
9.00 p.m.
“We went into the emergency and they said, ‘Congratulations’. I still remember the smile on my husband’s face and the way he said, ‘We just got married, this is embarrassing, no’? I asked the the resident whether pregnancy was ‘supposed to feel this way’.”
“I didn’t know what to expect. No one tells you what pregnancy feels like with the same enthusiasm with which they tell you to conceive!”
Ring of Fire
11.30 p.m.
“They took me in for a scan, and did an invasive one at that (as if I wasn’t suffering enough). I hear words like ‘ring of fire’, a pattern of blood flow caught on ultrasound that helps them confirm an ectopic pregnancy.”
“An ectopic pregnancy happens when the fertilised egg implants itself outside the uterus; attaching to one of the fallopian tubes (Tubal Pregnancy) or rarely, even in the cervix. Mine was attached to one of the tubes, which ruptured causing internal bleeding, and creating a medical emergency.”
“After some two hours and making my husband sign a gazillion forms, I was finally admitted and shifted to a room. I was informed that I’ll have to undergo laparoscopic surgery the next day. In the morning, the gynaecologist told us that she will try to repair the tube only if it’s salvageable, and remove it to reduce the risk of recurrence. I was advised to not conceive for the next six months or life heavy weights, to give my womb the time to heal. I barely listened; everything was a blur.”
A Sense of Betrayal
“I had to be rushed to the Casualty again a few days after being discharged because I was in unbearable pain. They administered some medicines, a suppository, and sent me home saying that this was just my body healing! Once home, a huge clot passed out of my system and the ache stopped, instantly.
“I finally sat with my anguish; not the physical kind. I felt like my body had betrayed me; rebelled against me for some reason. I didn’t want kids, until that choice was taken away from me. I mourned for ‘what could have been’, retraced my steps over and over, and bawled my lungs out to my husband and my mother. For days, weeks… or was it months? I can’t now remember.”
Living in Acceptance, Not Denial
“This was eight years ago. I now know that it wasn’t my fault and my body wasn’t working against me. In fact, it was trying to keep me alive by getting rid of a pregnancy that wasn’t viable. If you’re someone going through similar pain or loss, know that you’re not alone. The reason I am opening up about something so personal is because I wanted to share some tools that helped me cope. Who knows, it may offer you some comfort too.”
*Accepting that it wasn’t my fault: “I now know that biological facts like tube scarring, endometriosis or inflammation could cause this medical condition. Or in my case, it was random; there wasn’t anything I could medically do to prevent it. It was NOT something I did or didn’t do. So, I never use the term ‘miscarriage’; I use ‘pregnancy loss’. The way we speak about ourselves matters too.”
*Asking for help and relying on people: “Thank god, for my friends. They surrounded me at the hospital, at home, and on the phone. They were my life jackets because men sometimes don’t know how to sit with their own grief, let alone yours. They made me laugh and allowed me to come undone if I needed to. I am so grateful; that, and an online support group of mamas who’d gone through the same heartbreak, confusion and guilt. Sometimes, sisterhoods can be found in online forums where women openly discuss their pain without the fear of judgement. I cannot tell you how much their voices helped me heal.”
*Meet pain like you’d meet an old friend: “My husband and I still don’t want kids. However, on random days, the idea that I would have been a mother to a seven-year-old girl or boy hits me like a sucker punch, grief striking me like a tsunami. I let it wash over me and allow myself the grace to process it… and life goes on, as it does.”
“Until finally, a wailing kid will sit next to me on a long-haul flight and I’d be like…. (humour keeps me sane too).
*Accepting that it wasn’t my fault: “I now know that biological facts like tube scarring, endometriosis or inflammation could cause this medical condition. Or in my case, it was random; there wasn’t anything I could medically do to prevent it. It was NOT something I did or didn’t do. So, I never use the term ‘miscarriage’; I use pregnancy loss. The way we speak to ourselves matters too.”