Do you have a friend who you go to when you need comfort and peace? Is there a friend who, you think is the worst person to have around when you’re in a high-stress situation? As humans who are empathetic (in varying capacities), we are scientifically designed in a way to mirror feelings. Do you know how we end up yawning when looking at someone yawn? Yes, the same mirror neurons to blame. Emotional contagion is real—and second-hand stress, is ever more so.
I am a very empathetic person, and sometimes that works against me. You know, when you wish you could help a person more, but their stress transmits to you, and triggers your anxiety. And then you just want to remove yourself from that situation. You were hoping to help someone, but now, you have to fix your own anxious feelings—none of which originated in your own experiences.
The thing is, as beautiful as empathy is, you cannot allow second-hand stress to get to you. We already have enough big-small reasons poking at our mental peace, here and there. Adulting is hard, and getting riled up because of other people’s stress can be too overwhelming.
Here’s how you can protect yourself from second-hand stress.
Build an antidote
People who tend to grab on to someone else’s stress are usually the ones who respond to someone’s tragic tale with equally sad verbal and nonverbal communication. However, you don’t have to. If someone comes to you talking about a negative experience, you don’t have to joke about it, but you can lead with a reassuring smile. That way, instead of sinking together, you are pulling them up with a smile, or you are trying to.
Make your inner self strong
In life, we have to strengthen our inner self, for any situation. Fortifying our self-esteem is a good way to go about it. When your self-esteem is high, you feel more adequate and stronger to face any situation that comes your way (in this case, someone else’s way!) You can also, practise calming techniques regularly to make your inner self immune to negativity. Practise a few minutes of meditation, list down three things you are grateful for, and listen to soothing music.
Empathise but set boundaries
We should be there for people we love, especially in times of stress. But we can help another person only to some extent; the rest of the journey is something they will have to take, themselves. Another person can only offer support. If they come to you with all their stress, and don’t know where to stop, you may end up draining all your energy and they may end up never becoming strong enough to handle things independently. If you can hear someone out for 10 minutes, and not an hour, make that boundary clear. Set your boundaries, because anything that goes beyond that, will be a threat to your own wellbeing.
Don’t fight stress
According to researchers, if you don’t fight stress, it may end up yielding some positive results. When you see stress as a threat, our brains end up missing out on its positive effects such as “greater mental toughness, deeper relationships, heightened awareness, new perspectives, a sense of mastery, a greater appreciation for life, a heightened sense of meaning, and strengthened priorities” as per Harvard Business Review.