When a colleague asks for your assistance, you are overburdened with work. But, you agree to help them out. Alternatively, you may go out with a friend to the movies. You want to watch a thriller, but she prefers romantic comedies. Even if you think they're cheesy and don't like them, you say yes. Your cousin is relocating and has requested your assistance. You already have plans, so you tell him you won't be able to do it. However, you felt so bad about turning him down that you called him back and told him you'd find the time, even if it meant curtailing your own plans.
Find these situations similar? If you recognise yourself in any of these scenarios, you might be a people pleaser.
Now, let’s understand one thing. Allowing others to affect us is natural and beneficial. We might never watch what we eat or get adequate exercise if we didn't. You might not be able to make your relationships work if you refuse to care what others think. On the other hand, you might be a people-pleaser if you care too much about what they think.
Why People-Pleasing?
So, why exactly does one indulge in such a behaviour, you ask? Well, we asked Ms Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, rehabilitation, and sports medicine department, Sir HN Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai, who helped us decode why we tend to engage in people-pleasing.
According to her, there may be a number of reasons why one tends to engage in people-pleasing behaviour. They are:
• Poor Self-Esteem: People-pleasing conduct can occur when people don't respect their own desires and needs. People-pleasers require external reinforcement due to a lack of self-confidence. They believe that doing things for others will lead to apprehension because they themselves lack self-worth.
• Insecurities: In certain circumstances, people try to please others because they are afraid that if they don't go above and beyond to make them happy, other people will dislike them.
• Perfectionism: People sometimes want everything to be "perfect," even how other people think and feel.
• Past Experiences: It's possible that painful, challenging, or traumatic experiences played a part. People who have been abused, for example, may endeavour to satisfy others and be as accommodating as possible to avoid inciting abusive behaviour in others.
However, she says it's critical that we discern between folks who are people-pleasing and those who are not. Altruism refers to a person's genuine desire to ensure that others receive the assistance they require. People-pleasing, on the other hand, might be a means to feel validated or appreciated. That is, through ensuring people's happiness, they are made to feel valuable and appreciated.
How It Affects Us
Pleasing others isn't always a negative thing. Maintaining strong relationships with loved ones necessitates being a thoughtful and caring individual. Ms Dordi adds, “It becomes a problem if you're trying to gain approval to boost your low self-esteem and you're putting others' enjoyment ahead of your own emotional well-being.” She further adds that you may face some of the following repercussions if you devote all of your time to helping others in order to make them happy and gain their favour:
• Anger and Dissatisfaction
While you may occasionally appreciate assisting others, you are certain to be frustrated if you are doing so reluctantly or out of obligation. This might lead to a cycle in which you aid someone, then get angry at them for taking advantage of you, and then feel regretful or sorry for yourself.
• Stress and Anxiety
Trying to make other people happy might exhaust your physical and mental resources. Trying to handle it all can cause you to get stressed and anxious, which can be harmful to your health.
• Decreased Willpower
According to certain studies, willpower and self-control are finite resources. If you're devoting your mental energies to ensuring that other people have what they want or need, it's possible that you're leaving little time for yourself.
• Inauthenticity
In order to appease others, people-pleasers often conceal their own wants and preferences. This can make you feel as if you're not living your life fully—or as if you don't know who you are at all.
• Strained Relationships
You may get resentful if you devote all of your efforts to meeting other people's expectations. Your generous nature may be appreciated by others. This can lead to resentment and other negative feelings, which can lead to relationships that are weaker and of worse quality.
Gaining Freedom From The Need To Please
Ms Dordi suggests the following strategies that you can implement, if you want to gain freedom from the constant need for approval:
1. Boundaries: Knowing your limits, establishing clear boundaries, and communicating those limits are all critical. Make sure you're clear about what you're willing to take on. If someone looks to be asking for too much, tell them that it's above your capabilities and that you won't be able to assist them.
2. Baby Steps: It is frequently easier to begin by asserting yourself in tiny ways than making a drastic change. It can be tough to alter one's behaviour patterns. As a result, starting with tiny measures that help you work your way to becoming less of a people-pleaser can be beneficial. Begin by declining modest requests. Alternatively, consider expressing your thoughts on a minor issue or making a request.
3. Goals And Priorities: Think about how you want to spend your time. Knowing your priorities might assist you in determining whether or not you have the time and energy to commit to a particular endeavour. You'll find that you have more time to dedicate to the things that are truly important to you as you practice setting those boundaries and saying no to things you don't want to accomplish.
4. Evaluate The Request: Another way to overcome your people-pleasing tendencies is to seek for evidence that others are trying to take advantage of your generosity. Take some time to examine the situation and determine how you want to handle the request if you feel like you're being manipulated into doing something.
5. Remember The Principle Of Give And Take: A healthy connection necessitates a certain amount of reciprocity. When one person is always giving and the other is always taking, it usually signifies that one person is sacrificing their own needs in order to ensure that the other person gets what they want. Even if you enjoy pleasing people, it's crucial to keep in mind that they should be doing the same for you.