In our society, motherhood demands perfectionism. Mothers themselves fail to recognise the true vulnerability of motherhood. Every stage of raising a child, including pregnancy, is burdened with innumerable potential dangers and missteps, and yet the onus of nurturing them, keeping them safe and healthy alone falls on mothers. Several studies have revealed that across the globe mothers are overworked, underpaid, suffer from anxiety, depression and often feel lonely. To add to that, many are made to feel guilty about everything from C-sections and epidurals to bottle feeding.
The narrative of the perfect mother has spread around the world. Pressuring women to match every expectation and meet all demands, while sacrificing her own joys in the process and simultaneously erasing the fact that she is ultimately human and has needs just like every other person in the family. Here are real-life accounts of mothers highlighting the dangers of the ‘perfect parent trap’.
“Why should the strength of endurance be compared to the mental strength of a person? More importantly, is it even voluntary endurance when I did not have a choice but to adhere to the expectations and labels the society, and even my own mother, has set on me? As much as I love my child and would take a bullet for him, sometimes I just want to feel that it is okay to want a minute to yourself.”
- Krishna Vora, 34
"Due to my past history with pain endurance and medical reasons, my doctor had suggested we go in for a caesarean under general anaesthetic, but life had other plans. ‘Don’t fall into this trap,’ they said, ‘you won’t be able to experience motherhood to the fullest.’ I’m back home with my son, but I’m struggling. If someone asks me how I am, in a kindly voice, my voice cracks. Instead of the joyful experience I’d hoped for, my experience birthing a child was traumatic, and all this because a caesarean doesn’t make you a perfect mother. I’m spending a lot of time sitting on the bed in a milk-stained dressing gown, wondering what next, scared that I will mess this up and my partner is already back at work. Conforming to society’s narrative of a mother is what I reject, if I have to do this alone, if I have to be a superhero, I will do it in my own terms.”
- Charu Dasgupta, 29
“We don’t want to be compared to goddesses. We don’t want to sacrifice our true selves just to prove to the world that we love our child. I gave up my career, my lifestyle for my child thinking this was the right thing to do and that my daughter deserves a perfect mother. Now that she is 26 and has a life of her own, I feel like my life is meaningless. Today when I look back, I regret giving up my career.”
- Shalaka Nandi, 55
“My child was diagnosed with autism when he was four years old. In the beginning, we couldn’t understand his behaviour and why was he so different. My ex-husband was often away on business and my in-laws lived in a different city. I would constantly be blamed and made to feel incompetent when Aayush would refuse to behave according to their expectations. They refused to support me in seeking professional help, and when I did they blamed me for not being able to give them a normal grandchild. Today I am a single working mother who has made endless mistakes and is far from being perfect, but I am extremely proud of the child I have raised. Don’t be hard on yourself, remember your child doesn’t need you to be perfect, they only need to be there and understand.”
- Parulekha Chatterjee, 46
“It’s okay if your life isn’t always picture-ready. It’s okay if you have a cook that packs your child’s dabba. It’s okay if you missed kissing your child goodnight while on an office tour. It’s okay if you fed store bought sugary cupcakes to your child that one time. It’s OKAY. Being a “good enough” mom is just that - good enough. Taking away some of that societal pressure can go a long way towards improving your health and wellness.
- Sukriti Parmar, 47
“That permission you give yourself to just relax and let some things go can lift a huge weight off of you. Instead of feeling like you need to be keeping a perfectly clean house, go for a run alone, or just play around outside with your kids. For me multitasking didn’t come easy, I cried myself to sleep most nights because I felt like I am constantly letting my family down.”
- Anamika Chandani, 37