In 2018, freelance web developer Keshika Menon became a first-time mother after a planned pregnancy. When her healthy, beautiful daughter was born, she felt joy and gratitude. A few weeks later, overwhelmed by the amount of work it took to look after a tiny wailing infant, she started feeling resentful. ‘It wasn’t so much directed towards my child, as it was to my situation. I felt suddenly that I hadn’t been ready for motherhood, that all my plans to get it under control were falling apart, that I would never be able to get back to work. I was upset with my parents, for not warning me this would happen. I was angry with my husband (he didn’t have to nurse!) and felt borderline hate towards other mothers who seemed to be happy Instagrammers on top of their parenting journey.’
Keshika’s sentiments aren’t exclusive to her. Women across the world are likely to experience what is called ‘Maternal Ambivalence’. It’s just that they don’t admit it easily, because of fear of social stigma. Padma Anil Kumar, Consultant Psychologist and Founder Director of SITTARA sheds some light on the topic, ‘Maternal ambivalence is the dynamic conflict of a mother, with the factors related to her upbringing, societal expectations, and personal experiences, and her interaction with her child. Societal expectations often ask of women to be the giver, and when her psychological needs are not met as a result of such a demand, she feels stifled and blocked, which in turn is substituted as emotional conflict with the child. The woman is idealised as an embodiment of selflessness and a mother’s love is perceived as unconditional. But what about her other needs such as success, social status, economic independence and so on? Social norms perpetrate guilt and shame when a woman finds it hard to play the quintessential mother.’
Maternal ambivalence is feeling a paradox of emotions at the same time. Do you love your child? Of course you do. Do you want to run away from his or her constant toddler tantrums? Yes, that too. Most of us are likely to feel ambivalent towards all our relationships – with our spouse, parent, even our jobs. But we’re allowed to do that and allowed to vent about it too. Maternal ambivalence is perhaps the exception to that rule, because of the stereotype that a mother’s love cannot be peppered by negative emotion. You can admit to how hard it is, but not to the fact that you’re fed up of it or hate it.
Says Padma, ‘In my experience, women with work pressure and a verve to succeed struggle with work-life balance and motherhood, and this leads to maternal ambivalence. The child that she should have love for, is viewed very often as the distraction from her focus for success; her time and ability is being spread thin over the nitty-gritties and physical demands/issues of maternity and childbirth.’
She adds, ‘In one case, a mother with unresolved issues from her own childhood neglect struggled with ambivalence. She had lofty ideals of wanting to be the perfect mother but her lifestyle confused her and made her interactions with her child erratic. She lacked consistency and could not help her child with impulse control. During her sessions, she expressed emotional ambivalence even to the existence of her child, and doubted her decision to have become a mother.’
Maternal ambivalence sometimes begins as early as the pregnancy stage, and can go on until the child is older. In 2019, happiness expert Paul Dolan revealed that unmarried women with no kids tended to be happier than their married counterparts, especially those with kids. Given that motherhood is meant to be an enriching and rewarding experience, his comments caused quite a tizzy. If one makes a cursory internet search for celebrity mothers who are open about maternal ambivalence, the results are abysmal. At most, they speak about it under the broader umbrella of post-partum depression. But does it actually come under the umbrella of mental health issues such as PPD?
Says Padma, ‘Often, maternal ambivalence is diagnosed as a mental health issue because the behaviour is not a very conscious one. It is a subconscious, inner hidden sublimated process, which is manifested and then triggers conflict with her reasoning ability. The mother is cognitively aware of the ‘right behaviour’, but is dissatisfied and senses that it feels fake and lacks the truth, which is the foundation of maternal bonds. There are constant unresolved conflicts, a feeling of discord and cognitive dissonance. This is even more profound when childbirth is at a stage when she has not claimed her own identity. As a therapist, I have had difficulty resolving maternal ambivalence when it was combined with the symptoms of post-partum depression. Maternal ambivalence is often a sub-manifestation of PPD, and remains a cloud in the parenting process which will need validation and support for a few years thereafter.’
Keshika did not have typical post-partum symptoms such as depression. Instead, she was mainly resentful. However, this gave way to other ancillary emotions like shame and guilt. ‘I was so conflicted. Peeping in from the outside, I had a wonderful life. Why then, did I feel this way? I recognised what was happening and didn’t want my ambivalence to turn into full-fledged regret. So I decided to be a little selfish, let go of the notion of control, and also take some time out for myself. I acknowledged that I have help, and the privilege of choosing to work part-time or full-time, which a lot of mothers don’t have. I maintained a gratitude journal after consulting a counsellor who helped me in my journey. I still have bad days, but the difference is that I don’t let them get the better of me now.’
Padma feels that the solution to effectively dealing with maternal ambivalence is professional counselling guidance, even now (especially now!) when media-based therapy routes and self-help groups share their own set of remedies. ‘Even though self-love, journalling and mindfulness are part of the treatment procedures, like all other forms of self-medication, the prognosis will remain ambivalent and will not help clarify the real problem. There is a scientific base to support the attitudinal, belief, and behavioural change required to balance the ambivalence experienced by a mother.’