When the world got engulfed in the burning fire of a life-threatening pandemic, there was immediate action taken, everywhere. We have COVID-19 relief funds, police patrolling to ensure lockdown rules were being followed and the diversion of so many resources to deal with this health crisis. However, women have been suffering due to misogyny since forever, but has it ever been treated as an emergency? How many women have died due to domestic violence, acid attacks, rapes and other crimes until now? How many women live with little to no human rights and are forced to go through invasive treatments like Female Genital Mutilation? There is so much misogyny around us, where do we even begin? At home!
What is misogyny? It can be described as hatred towards women. Most misogynistic individuals are not even aware they are harbouring such feelings towards women. However, their behaviour will reek of prejudice and hostility towards women, to an extent that it often leads to abuse, violence and violation of human rights.
And where does all of this begin and grow? At home, in your family, in your childhood experiences—which is why this has to be the place where change must begin.
What is early familial misogyny?
It is in the formative years of our lives when we learn and adopt certain attitudes and beliefs. In families where the culture is rather misogynistic, the children growing up end up believing what they see. They begin to understand gender roles, right from what they see at home. In a family where the mother is supposed to do all the domestic chores and has little say in things, children tend to believe that is the gender norm.
Early familial misogyny is highly potent in terms of shaping children’s mindset, and it is imperative to fix it right from the beginning to avoid further development of hostile attitudes in them, as they grow up.
The impact of early familial misogyny
According to a study titled ‘Early Familial Misogyny: Its Impact On Attachment Security And Later Caregiving Behaviors’ published in CSUSB ScholarWorks in 2007, daughters who are raised in misogynistic families tend to lack secure attachment, even as they grow up. The study suggests that since mothers are usually the primary caregivers, their mental health has a great impact on the way the daughters are raised. “First, mothers who are victims of misogyny may be unable to be warm, sensitive, and responsive caregivers as these mothers are more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, repression of anger, and extreme frustrations,” the study reads.
The same study also observes that mothers living in misogynistic families “lose their sense of themselves because they are forced to do the will of the batterers” and that they will “cater to the needs of the misogynistic partners before taking care of the needs of their children.”
It is also observed that daughters who are raised in misogynistic families tend to be drawn towards toxic relationships as they grow up. They also are likely to neglect their abuse and stay with the abusers, if that’s what they witnessed at home.
Misogyny is intergenerational
It is ironic that while studies show that men and boys have more sexist attitudes than women and girls, it is the mothers that are more likely to influence the same in their children. “The degree of sexism in the mother is more linked to that of her sons or daughters in comparison to the influence of the father,” a study at the University of the Basque Country published in the magazine Psicothema in 2011 reveals. It may sound like the onus of misogyny in our society is coming down on women, but these facts should not be treated that way.
The men who subject women to misogyny and use their social conditioning to further break their willpower cannot be relieved of their responsibility in furthering intergenerational patriarchy. And what seems like a vicious pattern, continues.
How to protect your daughter from early familial misogyny
Empower yourself first: Many women are married into families that do not treat their daughters-in-law with much respect. They hold regressive concepts and hostile attitudes towards women that tend to violate your boundaries and agency. No matter what you have grown up believing, you must take a stand for yourself and empower yourself. Lead by example; teach your daughter to set boundaries and protect herself from abuse. Understand that the hostile treatment you are subjected to will be transferred on to your daughter as well—and you wouldn’t want that. Change begins with you.
Be the decision-maker when it comes to your children: We have grandparents and relatives who like to believe that they can collectively decide what is best for your children. They may want to reinforce regressive rules on your daughter with regards to her clothes, her education, her lifestyle, her chores, her skills, and her own body. But you know what is best for your daughter and you need to draw the line there. Be firm that your daughter is your ward and nobody else shall make decisions for her.
Unlearn gender roles and teach your children the same: The thing about sexism is that it is not always hostile. Benevolent sexism may often be hidden under the shiny layer of manners, protectiveness and chivalry. Men are expected to pay for dates and look after the ‘honour’ of the women in their families. Women are expected to be soft-spoken, nurturing and good at domestic duties. You need to be woke enough to identify and understand the gender roles we have been conditioned to believe (blame intergenerational sexism) before you set out to break them. Men should be able to cry and be vulnerable. Women should not be forced to be soft. Even in a misogynistic family, ensure you remind your children that these gender roles are redundant.
Keep internalised misogyny in check: A study titled ‘Women's Experiences Of Internalized Sexism’ published in Digital Commons@NLU in 2020 says that “oppressed individuals often cope in sexist environments by internalising the discrimination and prejudice they are experiencing.” Apart from taking a stand against hostile attitudes of the men in your home, you also have to protect your daughter from internalised misogyny. The women in your house, or sometimes even you, may tend to promote regressive gender roles. Avoid using phrases like “not like other girls” or criticising a woman for her choices. Instead, teach your child about sisterhood and how we are stronger together.
Remember, no matter what they had you believe, childcare is not a woman’s job only. Your partner should be mindful of these things as well and get rid of the gender roles and sexist attitudes they may have.
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