Actor and father Ryan Reynolds once shared a story about his daughter’s first attempt at making pancakes. When the batter splattered and the pancakes turned out lopsided, he resisted the urge to fix them. Instead, he let her serve them to the family anyway. They laughed, praised effort over perfection, and Reynolds later reflected that the experience taught his daughter more about pride and persistence than a flawless stack ever could.
In an era where helicopter parenting dominates social media feeds, a counterintuitive approach is quietly gaining traction. FAFO Parenting is short for Find Out and Figure Out. The premise is simple. Rather than intervening at the first sign of discomfort or failure, parents allow children to experience the direct consequences of their choices. If they spend all their pocket money, they go without new treats until the next allowance. If they neglect dinner, they don’t get a snack later. Children find out the outcome and figure out how to do better next time.
For many, the appeal of FAFO is its elegance and simplicity. It offers autonomy and accountability early in childhood, offering a developmental laboratory for decision-making long before adulthood. But like any philosophy, its success lies in knowing when to let go, and when to step in.
What Is FAFO?
At its heart, FAFO Parenting taps into a principle called experiential learning. Jean Piaget, the Swiss developmental psychologist whose theories revolutionised our understanding of childhood cognition, argued that children learn best not through instruction alone, but through actively engaging with the world, testing hypotheses, and observing outcomes. FAFO formalises this idea by allowing children to encounter natural consequences rather than insulating them from every discomfort.
Decades of research support the value of autonomy in development. A meta-analysis published in Child Development found that children who experience age-appropriate autonomy tend to show greater self-regulation, higher intrinsic motivation, and more robust problem-solving skills later in life. When kids have space to make mistakes, they also learn resilience and the ability to rebound from challenges rather than crumble in the face of adversity.
Are you wondering if you’re being neglectful? As developmental psychologist Dr Laura Markham notes, the goal isn’t to watch children flail recklessly, but to scaffold their independence by offering support without taking over. FAFO, when done well, respects that distinction.
How FAFO Works In Everyday Life
At its simplest, FAFO asks parents to let the consequences of choices play out within safe boundaries. Imagine a ten-year-old, Maya, who spends her entire allowance in one week on comic books and candy. Traditionally, a parent might come to her rescue by refunding some money or rushing to buy new snacks when she complains later. FAFO would instead let Maya feel the result. No money left for the rest of the month. She learns how budgeting really works, a lesson far more valuable than any lecture.
Social interactions are another fertile ground for FAFO lessons. If a child is unfriendly or thoughtless with peers and finds themselves left out of a game at recess, that feeling of exclusion becomes a natural motivator for empathy and kindness.
Where FAFO Excels
1. Builds Decision-Making Muscle
Kids raised in FAFO environments practice making choices and living with them. This deliberate exposure to consequence strengthens their ability to think ahead, weigh risks, and consider long-term outcomes.
2. Encourages Accountability
When consequences aren’t artificially cushioned, children internalise responsibility. They learn that actions, both positive and negative, have impact.
3. Fosters Autonomy
Autonomy, especially in middle childhood and adolescence, is an indicator of wellbeing. Allowing kids to steer parts of their own lives within safe bounds cultivates a sense of agency that’s protective against anxiety and helplessness.
When FAFO Isn’t A Free Pass
There are critical caveats that distinguish FAFO’s application from laissez-faire neglect. Children should never be left to ‘figure out’ decisions that jeopardise their physical or emotional safety. Choices involving risk of harm such as wandering onto a busy road, or engaging in dangerous stunts demand active parental direction and limits.
A toddler’s understanding of consequence looks very different from a teenager’s. Expecting a seven-year-old to manage money without guidance is unrealistic. In the same manner, giving an adolescent full control of a digital life without boundaries can be equally fraught. Parents must calibrate the approach to each age and maturity level.
When a child experiences hurt feelings or rejection, they also need empathy and accompaniment, not dismissal. Don’t use FAFO to withhold comfort. A child can be supported emotionally while still experiencing the natural outcome of a choice.
Critiques And Misunderstandings
Not everyone embraces FAFO. Critics worry that it can be used as a cover for letting kids fail without guidance or warmth. Others argue that natural consequences don’t always teach the intended lesson. Sometimes they teach resentment or defeat. But when it is implemented by a parent who understands FAFO, this technique is ideal for the parent who is watching closely, ready to step in if a consequence becomes harmful, but resisting the urge to intervene simply to avoid discomfort.
Perhaps the most important part of FAFO Parenting isn’t the consequence itself, but the reflection that follows. After Maya discovers she’s out of money for the month, a parent might ask, ‘What would you do differently next time?’ This nurtures the child’s ability to think long-term and make better decisions, an essential skill for adult life.
FAFO Parenting doesn’t ask us to throw out boundaries. There will be moments of second-guessing or wondering whether you should have stepped in. But it simply asks parents to move from doing for to guiding through, trusting that children who are given safety, support, and love can learn to navigate life’s choices with confidence.