Tackling Intimate Partner Violence In Abusive Relationships

When it comes to human interactions, it is impossible to deny the existence of power dynamics—and it isn’t inherently negative. For instance, a parent accessing their authority to help their child thrive is not unhealthy. A teacher, exerting power to maintain discipline in class is in fact, required as long as it’s not physically or mentally abusive. But when it comes to romantic relationships, the power dynamic is supposed to be equal, and not have one person enjoy more of it, just because they happen to have an extra chromosome.

Unfortunately, the quotidian unequal distribution of power in relationships extends its ugly talons in every aspect of our lives. Looking at romantic relationships through the rose-tinted lens of love and not understanding the role of power-play is too above-board for one’s own good. Because often, it is these relationships that violate us. Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) is abuse subjected on a person by their partner, be it in a marital or non-marital relationship.

Types of intimate partner violence

Physical violence tends to conspicuously speak for itself, with wounds speaking louder than words. But it is benighted to demarcate abuse to mere physical aspects. Mehezabin Dordi, Clinical Psychologist, Rehabilitation and Sports Medicine Department, Sir H.N. Reliance Foundation Hospital explains, 'Intimate partner violence (IPV) abuse or aggression that occurs in a romantic relationship. ‘Intimate partner’ refers to both current and former spouses and dating partners. IPV can vary in how often it happens and how severe it is. It can range from one episode of violence that could have lasting impact to chronic and severe episodes over multiple years.'

Dordi explains that IPV’s demarcation extends to the following types:

· Physical violence is when a person hurts or tries to hurt a partner by hitting, kicking, or using another type of physical force.

· Sexual violence is forcing or attempting to force a partner to take part in a sexual act, sexual touching, or even a non-physical sexual event (e.g., sexting) when the partner does not or cannot consent.

· Stalking is a pattern of repeated, unwanted attention and contact by a partner that causes fear or concern for one’s own safety or the safety of someone close to the victim.

· Psychological aggression is the use of verbal and non-verbal communication with the intent to harm another partner mentally or emotionally and/or to exert control over another partner.

Understanding Intimate Partner Violence

According to research published in the Journal of Epidemiology & Community Health, one in three women in India experiences Intimate Partner Violence in one form or the other.

Gender inequality is a key driver in IPV

Award-winning humanitarian, Kulsum Shadab Wahab spearheads the Hothur Foundation, working on the grassroots level with acid attack survivors in India. Talking about the link between gender inequality and IPV, Wahab explains, 'Studies have shown that rates of domestic violence are lower in societies that have lower rates of gender inequity. Social norms that negatively affect women’s empowerment play a crucial role in socio-economic inequality, which leads up to the lack of support for women. This indeed increases the risk of violence, as the injustice isn’t held accountable or can pass off as something that is normally faced by women. In a way projecting that it’s the 'price' you’d have to pay being born as a female.'

Patriarchy has been vociferously claiming superiority over gender equality since forever in our society. Even after years of social conditioning that reinforces both misogyny and internalised misogyny, the age-old mindset that puts women at the bottom of the social hierarchy, refuses to retire in dotage. With that, IPV is often normalised in many households, thereby, further limiting the victim’s scope to seek help.

'Women and girls are given inferior status and protection before the law, limited and restricted access to services (health, financial, education), unequal access to and control over resources and marginalisation,' Dordi explains. 'There is evidence that gender is the most significant conjecturer of poverty and powerlessness. Violence against women—in this case, IPV—is caused by gender inequality, including unequal power relations between women and men, rigid gender roles, norms and hierarchies, and ascribing women lower status in society. Promoting and achieving gender equality is a critical element of the prevention of violence against women,' Dordi points out.

The link between economic security and IPV

Vasudha (name changed for privacy) works as a domestic help in Mumbai and has two young daughters. For years, her husband would have more than his share of alcohol and beat her up. Amidst quarrels with a mother-in-law who refused to support her, a husband who would beat her up, financial hardships and wanting to raise her two daughters with dignity, Vasudha struggled with her mental health. She couldn’t walk out of her troublesome marriage because she wasn’t confident that she could be financially secure enough to give a better future to her daughters.

How many women end up staying in toxic, abusive marriages swallowing their right to live with dignity because of the lack of economic security? 'The lack of economic resources generally makes women vulnerable to violence. It creates patterns of violence and poverty that become a regular foundation of life. Studies show that there has been about a 92 per cent increase of domestic violence cases in one form or the other throughout the country since the displacement and push towards poverty due to the pandemic,' Wahab points out.

It was only when Vasudha’s husband passed away that she realised she was capable to make ends meet, without any dependency on him.

Patriarchy’s impact on women’s reproductive rights and autonomy

Being denied contraception, forced to reproduce against will, even in a marriage is a form of Intimate Partner Violence. In 2020, Iran banned contraceptives so women would be forced to make more babies, in order to increase their population. Closer home, many women still don’t have access to contraceptives, which takes away their bodily autonomy, resulting in risky abortions, teen pregnancies and sexual abuse.

'Patriarchal concepts of women's roles often value them based on their ability to reproduce. The generational trauma of being born merely as a female in this county will only start changing once, women are recognised more than just beings raised to perform duty towards their families, their in-laws and society,' Wahab shares.

Children of abusive households

When it comes to IPV, it is not just the mother who suffers; children of such households are subjected to the threat of psychological and physical injury. Dordi explains that when a man is abusive to a child’s mother, they may grow up to see the world as an unsafe and scary place. 'In the research literature, children are often called 'witnesses' to domestic violence. Children living with conflict and abuse will actively interpret, predict, assess their roles in causing a ‘fight’, worry about the consequences, engage in problem-solving, and/or take measures to protect themselves or siblings, both physically and emotionally,' Dordi explains.

'As a result, they may feel fear, distress, anxiety, self-blame, guilt, anger, grief, confusion, worry, embarrassment, and hope for rescue. To quell these intense emotions, they may use coping strategies which sometimes can be more harmful than helpful,' Dordi adds.

Signs of non-physical Intimate Partner Violence

While physical violence is easier to identify and prove, being violated non-physically often goes unrecognised. Dordi lists down signs of non-physical IPV.

· Emotional Abuse/Verbal Abuse: These forms of abuse are non-physical and may include insults, constant blaming, social isolation, intimidation and degradation of the victim.

· Sexual Abuse: Consists of any action that affects the victim’s ability to control the circumstances of sexual activity. Abusers may prevent the victim from having access to forms of birth control or completely ignore the victim’s refusal to participate in sexual activity.

· Technological Abuse: Specific forms of technological abuse include high-tech eavesdropping, video-monitoring the home, tracking the victim’s location with GPS devices and tampering with phone bills or emails.

· Financial Abuse: Involves attempts to make the victim financially dependent on the abuser. Abusers may prohibit the victim from working or obtaining an education or withhold access to financial resources.

Impact of IPV on the mental health of a survivor

Shaheen (name changed) was in a toxic relationship with a man who psychologically abused her on many occasions, throughout their relationship. Sometimes, he threatened her with physical injury and intimidation. 'Sometimes, if he would get mad at me, he would drive rashly. He had also threatened to run over me with his car,' Shaheen shared. He would ask for forgiveness and promise to change, and she thought he did. But when she went to meet him in London, he sexually abused her. 'I had vaginismus and he got aggressive when I couldn’t have penetrative sex. On the last day, I was emotionally manipulated to have sex with him and it was very painful.'

Due to the many ways he was abusive, she walked away and is on her path to healing now. But during that phase, Shaheen was completely traumatised and lost her confidence.

'There is plenty of research that suggests that women who are abused by their partners suffer higher levels of depression, anxiety and phobias than non-abused women,' Dordi explains.

'In the WHO multi-country study, reports of emotional distress, thoughts of suicide, and attempted suicide were significantly higher among women who had ever experienced physical or sexual violence than those who had not. In addition, IPV has also been linked with alcohol and drug abuse; eating and sleep disorders; physical inactivity; poor self-esteem; post-traumatic stress disorder; smoking and substance use; self-harm; and unsafe sexual behaviour,' Dordi points out.

What stops women from seeking help

While Intimate Partner Violence creates hostile conditions for women in their relationship, where they are ideally supposed to feel safe, many women are not able to seek help. Wahab explains the many factors that restrict women from seeking help, 'As complex as IPV is, there is a trauma bond that is in heavy effect, not allowing women in such a situation to even seek help, this emotional dependence further cuts them off from socially asking for help. And the implication of strict gender roles tends to not allow women to interact, let alone muster up the courage to tell their very own families. About 87% of women who have experienced domestic violence or gendered violence have never sought help.'

Dordi cites factors such as 'fear of retaliation; lack of alternative means of economic support; concern for their children; lack of support from family and friends; stigma or fear of losing custody of children associated with divorce; and love and the hope that the partner will change,' that stop women from seeking help.

How to psychologically recover from IPV

Dordi listed down tips to psychologically recover from IPV.

Acknowledge the abuse: It can be difficult to accept your abuse but it is the first step to recover from it. The longer it takes you to acknowledge it, the more negatively it impacts your life.

Change negative thought patterns: As you begin to process your past abuse, one way you can begin healing is by challenging your self-talk and dispensing with the negative thinking patterns you find there. Some negative thinking patterns you may be reinforcing are: Black and White Thinking, Over-generalization, Disqualifying the Positive, Unrealistic Expectations, Name Calling, Self-Blame, Catastrophizing and many more.

Engage in self-care: Many of the suggestions below may seem trivial but they are extremely important to your healing process. When you begin to take care of your needs, you will have more energy, support, and nutrients to overcome the struggles you’re facing.

Here are a few practical ways to begin the process of regaining power over your life:

· Embrace your desires

· Make your needs a priority

· Include physical activity

· Eat healthily, sleep well

· Foster healthy relationships and let others support you

Set boundaries: Learning how to implement and assert healthy boundaries between you and other people is a necessary step in your journey to retake control over your life

Know when to seek help: There are many resources you can access to regain control of your life, even if it doesn’t seem so when you are traumatised.

Rehabilitation of IPV survivors

Owing to the emotional and mental trauma that Intimate Partner Violence can cause, in amalgamation with lack of resources, survivors of abuse need rehabilitation and support. Hothur foundation has a plan of action in place and has helped several survivors so far and continue doing so. 'Our key focus always starts with seeking professional help by setting up a team that will form a structure to aid and act quickly to give support—promoting skin banking for the survivors of acid attacks and other forms of physical abuse,' Wahab informs.

'The safe homes, along with rehabilitation can at the same time provide a safe space for the survivor’s families, especially their children. Along with constructive aid to support their basic needs. Especially by giving a voice to the survivors of acid attacks and abuse to face the challenges of this new world,' Wahab shares.

Hothur provides safe homes, offers survivors mentorship from professionals as well as medical aid, including surgeries that help survivors restore their health. Through Hothur, Wahab aims to 'bring back their strength.'

How can we support a loved one who is/was in an abusive relationship?

Here are some ways to help a friend or loved one, as listed by Dordi.

Educate yourself on IPV: It is important to understand that abuse is not just physical. There are many forms of control and no two situations are alike.

Don't judge: Understand that abusers also exhibit a soft side that is loving and generous, often as per their whims and fancies. But that may end up confusing the victim. Don't try and be a therapist. The best thing you can do for your loved ones is to believe them and let them know you are going to offer as much support as you can.

Stay connected: A text or phone call can be a simple but very powerful way to help. One of the main aspects of domestic violence is isolation, so counteracting this is important.

Let them be in charge: Let them go according to a pace comfortable to them. It may sometimes feel frustrating because they may vacillate between going against their partner and making excuses for their behaviour. But be patient and let them feel in charge.

Ask what they need: Help them according to what they need and not what you think is right for them.

Be a friend: They need emotional support and your friendship can give them the strength to navigate through the tough times. Help them seek help.

Helplines one should know of

· Women In Distress (All India) – 1091

· Women domestic abuse helpline – 181

· National Commission For Women (NCW) - 011-26942369, 26944754

· NCW Domestic violence 24x7 helpline for Sexual Violence and harassment – 7827170170

· Student / Child Helpline – 1098

· Counselling Services on Women in Distress – 3317004

Also Read: Can We Please Normalise Seeking Verbal Consent?

Also Read: ‘My Partner Allows Me To…’: Everything Wrong With Sentences That Begin Like That