Things I Want My Brother To Learn About Women And The World

Dear Brother,

The world teaches us plenty about soulmates and partners, and usually defines these words within the ambit of romantic relationships. But there’s a simple truth we often forget. Your sibling is, honestly, the perfect partner. This is the person who’s been around you the longest, knows your evolution inside and out, and has lived through a similar journey up to a certain point. This person, no matter what their gender, knows how to deal with your ups and downs, your anger and grief, and also knows what brings you joy and happiness. Even when there are no friends to rely on at school or at work, your sibling can provide you with friendship. When our parents are aged and need support, we are the ones who will collaborate to provide them with the care they deserve. And when our parents are no more, we’ll still have each other to rely on.

That’s precisely the reason why, dear brother, you will always be my true partner. As the world changes around us, one of the things that can help us be a better team is understanding each other’s perspectives. Truth be told, you are the best person to understand what I go through, the way I see the world, and how I navigate through it. And maybe, putting on the shoes I walk in can help you understand and navigate the world better too?

Here are a few things I hope you learn and understand.

Patriarchy affects you too
I’m sure you’ve heard plenty of debates around the subject of patriarchy and how it affects women. It is a structure based on inequalities, usually centred on gender, but often includes things beyond it too. It’s quite safe to assume that patriarchy affects women in immensely impactful ways, often leading to constraints that transcend the physical. The limits patriarchy puts on us is emotional, moral and psychological. But we’re not the only ones affected by it. You are too.

Patriarchy makes many assumptions about what a woman should be, but it also dictates what a man should be. You are supposed to be always strong, protective, in control of your emotions as well as finances, and capable of providing for those dependent on you. In placing all these roles on your shoulders, patriarchy forgets that you are an individual with your own needs too. The fact is, I am here, along with all the women in the world, to share the burdens of life as well as the joys. So, give yourself the permission to be emotional, sensitive, and feel free to lean on me when you need the strength and support to live a full and happy life.

Don’t put labels on us
Nobody likes being labelled. We’re not goods on a store shelf. And yet, you’ll find that women are often labelled for the things we do, and it becomes impossible to get rid of them easily. For example, if we don’t cry as often, feel more comfortable in pants rather than dresses, and walk with confidence like you do, we can be labelled “manly” or “tomboyish”. If at work, we are stern, demanding and too professional, we’re called “bossy”. I’m sure you would have come across words like “slut”, “emotional”, “diva”, etc being used to describe us too. But aren’t we, just like you, defined by many qualities? And if we are, what’s the use of labelling us except to put us in our place?

Labels are not just patronising. They are unfair, demeaning and can often break our will, and harm us in many ways. Unless it’s a label we have given ourselves to define our life’s work, there could be none that are acceptable or positive. We have the right to define ourselves just as much as the next person. You might have also seen the label of “feminist” being put on women who are vocal about what they want and deserve, and are willing to fight for it. Trust me when I say that “feminism” is not a dirty word, it’s not even offensive. It simply means someone who believes that all genders are equal (yes, equal, not better than). In that sense, with your sense of justice and need for equality in the eyes of the world, aren’t you a “feminist” too?

Hear us out with an open mind
I think we’ve understood now, after the COVID-19 pandemic, just how crucial keeping the lines of communication open is? Yes, this is very important because nobody likes feeling lonely and isolated. Not for too long anyway. So, we do have to be able to communicate with each other, openly, with a problem-solving attitude, to be able to meet all the challenges life throws at us. But there’s a nuance to communication that is easy to forget: listening. You may or may not be aware of this, but women are usually conditioned from childhood to put their problems on the backbench to be able to nurture and care for others. Haven’t you ever wondered why we end up going to the doctor at the last minute, or just don’t usually seem as demanding as we can perhaps be?

What this conditioning does is twofold—it makes us feel we don’t need to speak up, and it makes you think we don’t have anything to say. It’s a sort of benign trap that can suddenly come to life and wreak havoc and lead to a breakdown of communication. So, give us the safe space to open up, speak up and be loud. Hear us out with an open mind, because what we have to say may just impact and improve your life too.

Don’t reduce us down to our bodies alone
I’m not ashamed of admitting this to you because it’s an absolute truth: women are objectified and reduced to our bodies only, and way more than you can imagine. From ads and songs to gender-normative clothing, we live with a culture where our honour, shame, purity, chastity—and often that of the family—resides in our bodies. When young boys in a family are told to be protective of their sisters or escort the women to public places, it’s primarily as a guardian of our bodies. Conversely, when people with ill intentions want to attack us, they go for our bodies first.

Do we need and deserve protection from such elements? Yes, of course, we do! Every woman does! But as long as the world sees our bodies before they see our minds, our actions and our potential, this vicious cycle of reducing us down to our bodies only will continue. And so will the cycle of objectification and violence against women. I am asking you to break the chain here. When you look at a woman, please see us for what we truly are, beyond our bodies. Our bodies are biological machines—and so are yours—but we have brains, and we have a lot more to offer to the world.

Let’s look beyond our conditioning
The fact is, no matter how secular and progressive our education or upbringing, we are human, and we live in the same world. This world conditions people of every gender differently. You are conditioned to do certain things because you were born male, and I am conditioned to do certain things because I was born a woman. But as individuals, we have the right to determine which of these conditionings, if any, hold true and stand the test of time. If you are in need of physical protection or help, will I not come to your aid when you need it? If you need a good cry and are looking for a shoulder to lean on, won’t I suffice? This trust that we are there for each other through thick and thin, dear brother, is what makes our bond so special. So, let’s try to look beyond our conditioning, and continue to build on this partnership with equality and respect in mind.

Yours truly,

Elder Sister