No matter what your gender or sexual identity, the day you get married is special. It’s not just a day packed with festivities and happiness, but also the greatest hopes for a future which you and your partner will weave together. Let’s also accept the fact that this is usually a very stressful day, partly because there is a lot to be done, and partly because all of us want things to go perfectly well—no matter how unrealistic that may sound.
For most women, the day we wed also provides an opportunity to make our dream wedding come true. All those fantasies we built in our heads growing up, while watching other women in the family get married, get a scope for realisation on this day. Whether those dreams are realised or not, this day still remains special for most brides because it’s an opportunity to stay in focus, in control—it’s your wedding after all, and you have the ultimate say on everything from what you will wear to what the venue should look like.
This, in itself, can be empowering enough. And yet, your wedding is just the start of your marriage, and the tone you set on D-Day can have a huge role to play on your future married life. While most women may stay limited to making sartorial, food, décor and other such choices for their wedding day, you could take a few steps to come out of the event not just feeling happy and hopeful, but also empowered as a woman assured of her future wellbeing. Here’s how.
Focus On Inclusion, Not Exclusion
What do we need to do to feel empowered at our own weddings? Do we need to avoid rituals that seem to place women at a lower rank than men, or ones that treat us in a stereotypical way? Maybe, but not necessarily. Often, when we speak about acts that can empower you at your own wedding, people assume this means excluding rituals. But the fact is, whether you want to engage in a ritual or not is your choice and that of your family. For some, sticking to traditions followed by generations of women in the family can be quite empowering, a matter of pride, and contribute towards building a sense of belonging, a sense of inclusion.
So, in this story, let’s focus on inclusion, and not exclusion. Instead of thinking about removing rituals, let’s consider adding a few that can empower women even in the most traditional setups and weddings. Here are a few ideas you can consider.
Get Financially Involved
While most people may not expect the bride’s family to pay for the entire wedding, a bulk of the pressure to make the affair pleasant for all does fall on them. And even when both the bride and the groom’s families agree on an equal share in the expenses, a large part of the financial pressure falls on the parents and the money they may have saved for this special day in their children’s lives. You can change that by getting financially involved in the wedding, especially if you are a working woman or an entrepreneur. You don’t necessarily have to fund the entire thing, just take financial responsibility for a part of it, say the catering or décor, or just your own wardrobe. This will not only help you appreciate your own financial freedom, but may also ease the financial pressure on both your parents and your in-laws. This simple act can also assure them that you are responsible and capable of taking care of them when they grow older—which is a big assurance for ageing parents anyways. It also sends across the message that you are financially free and want to continue to be that way for the rest of your married life.
Put Yourself On That Nameplate
Getting married, especially for women, also means packing their belongings and moving away from their previous homes—whether it’s parental or a flat you were renting with a friend or colleague while working. Usually, getting married means either moving in with the in-laws, or moving into a place with your partner. Whatever the case may be, this move often makes women feel displaced in the beginning. Even when you carry your belongings into your new home, you may not immediately feel like you actually belong. A simple act which can help you deal with this feeling that succeeds a wedding is getting a new nameplate made with your name on it along with your husband and in-laws’. That’s your new address too, isn’t it? So, why not get your name on the door and get that sense of belonging and ownership right as you step into it?
Dress In Any Colour You Want
While most women do get to decide what their wedding trousseau will look like, many deal with the pressure of adhering to certain limiting norms. The choice of clothes may be one—speaking from experience, it’s so traditional for Bengali women in my family to wed in gorgeous Benarasi saris that a lehenga, no matter how rich and opulent, is simply not considered appropriate. Similarly, dressing in shades of red, maroon, pink and gold is considered traditional among most Indians. While you may want to stick to these traditions—there’s nothing wrong with that—if you really feel strongly, go make a change. If you want to marry in a yellow and red Kanjeevaram sari or a lehenga with a bit of black and gold on it, do it. It’s your day after all.
Ask Women To Lead
As mentioned before, instead of focusing on what to exclude, we want to look at empowerment through inclusion. When it comes to weddings, women are still excluded from certain roles. You can choose to make a change here by asking women in your family and beyond to take the lead. Women like Dia Mirza and many others have shown by example that women priests can officiate traditional weddings just as well as male ones. That’s one inclusion you can make immediately, but there’s more you can do. If your mother or mother-in-law is a pro at organising grand family events, let them take charge and showcase their talents. If there’s an aunt who’s a dab hand at décor or a cousin or sister-in-law who can help with the catering, let them lead. Very often, even in this day and age, elderly widows are asked to or choose to stay away from auspicious occasions like weddings—and you can change that too by inviting them in personally.
Bid Farewell, But Ensure It’s Not Goodbye Forever
It doesn’t matter what your region or religion is, but every traditional wedding has a ceremony where the bride bids farewell to her parents and leaves for her husband’s home. While there’s nothing wrong with this tradition, the fact remains that this is a symbolic one. Every woman knows she is not abandoning her parents when she gets married, and when they need her, she will be there—financially, physically or otherwise, as best as she can. Conveying this to your parents on the day of your wedding or at the time of your departure can play a huge role. Not only can it be assuring for the bride’s parents to hear something like “I still belong with you guys”, but can also help them stay mentally healthy and financially confident in their middle age.
Start A Mutual Account
A marriage is a partnership, and every partnership is built on mutual trust. For most couples, this means aligning their finances to plan a future together, which can include everything from having kids and financing their education to buying a house and investing together for a retirement fund. Keeping these long-term goals in the partnership called marriage in mind is crucial, and it adds a sense of purpose, a common life goal both the bride and the groom can work towards from the day of their wedding. So, a small act that can assure you, your partner and your families that you’re absolutely prepared to make this commitment is by opening a mutual bank account. This can be an immensely empowering move, as it shows that you and your partner are equal partners in this marriage. Of course, you can still maintain your personal accounts and should, but do get that mutual account started on your wedding day or before it.