‘What are little girls made of? Sugar and spice, and everything nice.’
Unfortunately, little girls aren’t able to shrug off this expectation of niceness, as they go through adolescence, youth, and adulthood. A woman’s value lies in her ability to be kind and empathetic. Unfortunately, this is at odds with the requirement for women’s leadership across the board - in the corporate world, in politics, or any other career. People in leadership roles are valued for their ambition and drive, and kindness does not tie in with this.
According to an article published in the Harvard Business Review, a series of experiments led by Harvard Business School Associate Professor Christine Exley show that people generally view women as more generous and equality-minded than men. In actuality, men and women have similar behaviours and beliefs around these values. In the workplace, those misperceptions can lead to no-win scenarios. If women are not nice enough, they may face backlash. But, if women are too nice, they may struggle to be hired for competitive jobs.
Exley said, ‘In cooperative workforces where social skills are highly valued, being seen as nice and equality-oriented could be an advantage. On the other hand, if we’re talking about more competitive workplaces, being seen as nice and equality-oriented could make women less likely to be hired and less likely to be seen as suitable leaders.’
Gender-specific expectations in the workplace can be a dangerous thing. We don’t hold men and women to the same standards. Women like Margaret Thatcher and Angela Merkel are considered cold and bossy. At the other end of the spectrum, women like Jacinda Ahern are considered soft and conciliatory for their stance on many issues – and therefore praiseworthy. Note, that all these women are strong, successful, resilient in their own way, having governed entire countries.
Psychologist Manjula MK says, ‘Unfortunately gender stereotypes dictate that forcefulness and toughness, which are considered pre-requisites for workplace leadership, are masculine traits. They are expected of men, even valued and appreciated. On the other hand, women who embody these traits are considered unfeminine, arrogant, and shrill. The problem is not with men or women. Your gender does not determine your personality, and leaders can be of all types. The problem is with the expectations that those around you have. The first step towards changing this is for workplaces to create more flexible work environments, where members of both genders are able to progress into leadership roles regardless of their personality traits.’

Kriti Shetty, who works for an IT company shares her experiences of being a team lead. ‘Whenever I offered critical feedback to my team members, which was delivered in a professional manner, I was called harsh, mean or unlikeable. However, a male team lead who did the same thing wasn’t perceived the same way. I had to start sugarcoating my feedback, and also peppering it with a little bit of praise and niceness. This was really such a drain on my time, energy, and mind space. I needed to have some tough conversations with my team, but I was so concerned with being judged negatively, that I just shied away from the authentic process. I still had the same deliverables as any male team lead, and had to prove I was able to achieve results. At the same time, I also had to be liked and popular to get ahead. Being demanding, while being caring. Although I did get promotions even after that, it took its toll on me. Today I’m in a leadership role where I’m able to focus on a no-nonsense approach. I think part of the reason is possible, is because my boss is female as well!’
It's a Catch-22 situation for most women, and it often means they pass up leadership opportunities since it’s more important for them to be liked. However, Manjula MK offers some tips to deal with situations like these, without having to compromise on your career goals.
Establish trust: Being in charge doesn’t mean you have to be nasty. Shower praise when it is required, mentor your team members, and engage with people on a personal level. You spend eight hours a day or more with your co-workers, so it’s natural to want mutual respect and trust. You can be businesslike and hard as nails in the workplace, but that doesn’t need to take away from a sense of community.
Balance it out: Sometimes, you’ll need to make your team feel heard, valued and liked. In those situations, you can take a more relaxed stance, and allow other people to share their views. However, there will be important and vital non-negotiable aspects, where you will need to take charge and control. Here, you can adopt a slightly different attitude wherein your team understands that you mean business and they need to deliver!
Separate the work from the person: If someone is unable to deliver what is expected of them in one specific instance, you don’t have to hate or penalise them for everything. Focus on the task – not the employee. Be clear and tough about the deliverable itself, and make it clear that nothing is personal.